I don't believe you
by TootsieThecat
Summary: Dan does nothing but make Phil cry. Then Dan cries, and that makes Phil cry harder. Dan is a nuisance. He's holding on the a world that doesn't need him. Doesn't want him. Nobody wants him. But when did Phil become nobody? T for Suicide, depression, cutting, and language.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

Dan searched the cupboard for the needed painkillers.  
"Phil?" No response. "Phil!"  
Phil appeared in the doorway. "Sorry, I was filming. What do you need?"  
"Where are my painkillers?" Phil's face darkened.  
"I have them." He said blankly. Dan groaned.  
"So where _are they _Phil?" He slammed the bathroom cupboard shut, and turned to look at his boyfriend.  
"I dunno."  
"You _lost _them?"  
"No, I just... I dunno.." He leaned against the doorframe and stared at the ceiling. He was an awful liar.  
"Phil."  
"Dan, you take em way to often. I really think you should lay off for a while, you know? It can't be healthy."  
"And who asked you?"  
"You did. Three years ago, when you asked me out." Phil retorted.  
"I asked for a boyfriend, not another mum." Dan replied, sifting through the cabinet once more. "My stomach really hurts, Phil. I won't take anymore today if you just give me one now." Dan pleaded. Phil studied him.  
"I don't believe you." He replied. Yet, he still dug out a small orange container, and tossed it to Dan, the pills in the bottle rattling.  
"Thank you." He responeded, taking a swig of water.  
"You should really see a doctor, Dan." Phil said.  
"I've already have, remeber. He gave me these pills." He held up the bottle.  
"Not that kind of doctor, Dan..."  
Dans face darkened.  
"I'm never going to anywhere like that agian. Okay? Those people get into your head, it just made everything worse as a kid."  
"Yea, but you're an adult now. Maybe you could handle it."  
"I'm fine."  
"Dan-"  
"I said I'm fine!" He repeated louder. Silence filled the bathroom, and for ehat seemed like hours, the boys just stared at eachother.  
Phil raked a hand through his obsidian hair. "Sometimes you worry me." He turned and walked back into his room. Dan felt his stomach bubbling in response to the pills. Maybe he really did need a doctor.

* * *

Dan on his couch, absent mindedly scrolling through tumblr. Liking fan posts, commenting on funny pictures, answering wuestions, and just connecting with phans in general.  
Phil walked in and sat next to Dan, leaning his head on his shoulder, watching what he did.  
"He phil." He kissed the top of his black hair.  
"Hey Bear." He responded. And they just sat there, tumblr post after tumblr post. Quietly.

Usually Dan and Phil's little bickerings ended that way, they'd just sort of find eachother again, without words.

They're loud silence was broken by Phil's phone going off.  
"Who is it?" dan asked, not taking his eyes off the screen.  
"Oh... um... PJ. Yea... PJ."  
Liar.  
"Ok, who is it really."  
Phil looked up at him pleadingly.  
"Phil?"  
"You worry me too much, Dan."  
Dan stood.  
"You called a doctor." He said quietly, unbelievingly.  
Phil stood as well.  
"Dan, I couldn't just let you... drown in your own stress and depression! You really need help!"  
Dan shook his head hard.  
"Phil I specifically told you not to-"  
"And what was I supposed to do, I'm really bad at this Dan!"  
"You weren't supposed to-"  
"And when you're sad, I'm sad. I care Dan, really."  
"Phil-"  
"I'm just afraid that one day, you're gonna..." Phil stopped.  
"Kill myself?"  
Phil didn't respond.  
"Phil, if I wanted to die, I would have done it a long time ago." Dans hair shaded his face as he stared at the floor.  
Phil shook his head. "I don't believe you." He replied softly. Dan rolled his eyes. "Why do you always say that?"  
"Because I don't. We never even tell eachother the truth anymore. We just lie! You're not fine, Dan. I can tell. Its always on your face, you're sad. You're always sad." Phil was crying now. It really did hurt him to see Dan like this.  
"Phil. I'm fine. Alright? I'm happy." Phil shook his head.  
"Dan, you need to stop that."  
"What do you want me to do Phil?"  
"I want you to be honest." He said.  
"Alright. I'm deperessed. I'm sad and stressed and tense and just downright depressed. I grew up with a homophobic and uncaring mother, and an even more homophobic, drunken, and abusive father. I met you.. and... and I wasn't depressed anymore. But now I am again, and I dont know why. Its all very simple see."  
Dan ran out the door and slammed it behind him, leaving a very shocked Phil alone.

* * *

Dan kept runnig. Faster and fast. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know where to go. All he knew was that he hurt Phil, which is something he'd never want to do.  
Running faster and faster, his legs started to cramp. He couldn't see straight, and he was getting dizzy. Finally he stopped at a park, about a mile and a half from their house. He leant over, his hands balanced on his knees. Taking deep breaths.  
His breaths turned into coughs, and his coughs tunred into sobs.  
Phil probably hated him now, or was just crying on the couch. Dan has been making Phil cry lately. Phil would be so much better off with out him. Phil would find a good, nice boyfriend. One who wasn't depressed. Who didn't overuse painkillers.  
A goodd boyfriend.  
Dan cried just as much as Phil. If not, more. But Phil didn't make Dan cry like Dan made Phil cry. Their relationship was just a pit. Every participant was sad.  
Dan lay there, as the sky started getting dark.  
The Attack on Titan theme started playing on Dan's phone. The ringtone he had set for Phil.  
"Hello?" Dan tried his best to keep his voice steady.  
"Dan! Where are you?"  
At the sound of Phil's voice, Dan started crying all over again.  
"Dan, i'm in the car. Where are you? Dan?"  
"I'm sorry Phil."  
"What?"  
"I'm a nuisance."  
"Don't say that, you're just sad. I get it, It's not your fault. Just... Where are you?"  
"I'm..." He looked around.  
"I'm at the z-zoo."  
"The zoo? Dan! Thats twenty miles away! How did you get there?"  
"I r-ran."  
"That can't be healthy. It must've taken you at least two hours of running!"  
"Y-yea."  
"Dan, I'm coming to get you. Okay? Wait there."  
"I'll wait. Bye." Dan abrubtly hung up the phone.  
"Dan?" Phil said into the empty phoneline.  
Dan had to lie. The zoo was the opposite direction of the park, and Dan needed to get home.  
Because at home, Phil was gone.  
And at home,  
Well, that was where his razors were.


	2. I want to die, Phil

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT 2**

Dan opened his macbook and updated his twitter, facebook, tumblr, and instagram. All with a very simple message;

_Livestreaming in 5. I don't know if you will understand this or not.  
_

Dan wondered if anyone would even care enough to watch. It didn't matter, anyway.  
He went into his bathroom and grabbed multiple orange pill bottles, razorblades, and vodka from his kitchen.  
he sat down on his bed, wiped his eyes, and started his livestream.  
"Hello... internet... My name is danisnotonfire. I guess you know that. Or maybe you don't. It wouldn't really matter anyway."  
"I'm twenty years old, live in London, and I have depression."  
"It's been an oncurring porblem I suppose, I don't really show it in my videos. This will be the only time I will."  
"Because this is my last video. After this I'm... not going to bother to continue breathing... I guess."

* * *

Marzia (CutiepieMarzia) Was logging into YouTube to check her comments. She was running short on ideas, and had asked her fans or help. She asked Felix, who was currently playing Amnesia and filming (Quite loudly too, she might add.) but all his ideas weren't very fitting for her channel.  
The first thing that popped up when she opened YouTube was a livestream by danisnotonfire. The video was titled; My last video. (I'm sorry Phil.)  
Marzia stared at the name for a minute. So Dan was resigning? But why is he apologizing to Phil?  
She clicked on the video, and saw a very sad, very tearful Dan lloking at her  
_"I'm twenty years old, live in London, and I have depression. "  
_This was not starting well.  
_"It's been an oncurring problem I suppose, I don't really show it in my videos. This will be the only time I will."  
_"_Because this is my last video. After this I'm... Not going to bother to continue breathing... I guess."_

Marzia's mouth dropped open. She felt like she was watching herself from a third person's view. She couldn't move, think. She just sat there.  
She felt a sound come out of her mouth, two little syllables.  
"Felix."  
She stood up, pushing her chair forcibly back, making it crash into the wall.  
"Felix!" She shouted. But she could still hear him yelling at his computer screen.  
"FELIX!" She screamed. There was a pause, then a loud crash, and the famous PewdiePie himself came tumbling into the room and grabbed Marzia by the shoudlers.  
"What? What is it are you okay?" He was extremely out of breath.  
"Dan posted a new video and hes.. he's threatening suicide and I don't know what t-to... what to do." She pointed at the computer screen, herd hand shaking. Felix stopped and watched for a moment, then grabbed his phone.  
"Marzia, call Phil on your phone, I'll call an ambulance and send it to their address. Marzia hicupped and nodded.  
"Hello?"  
"Phil! Wheere are you? Wheere is Dan?" When Marzia got upset, her accent got very thick, and her words got jumbled.  
"Marzia? I'm going to pick up Dan now. Where are you?"  
"Phil Dan is uploadeeng a video on his channel. He... Hes threateneeng suicide. Phil you need to get home now ples."  
Phil was silent for a moment.  
"I'm going." he simply stated, then the line went dead.  
Marzia sat on her table and let her tears finally escape. Marzia was the kind of person that would cry if someone else was sad.  
Felix ran in.  
"Did you call Phil?"  
Marzia nodded and stared at her knees.  
Felix walked over and pulled her into a hug.  
"It'll be alright, He'll be fine, Marzie." Marzia nodded and hicupped.

* * *

_"_I have the pills, and I have the razors. I'm all s-set." Dan explained to the camera.  
"Because I'm just sad. I'm always sad, and I... I'm done."  
He sat on the end of his bad, burying his face in his hands.  
The comments on the livestream filled up. Everyone was too afraid to comment before.  
_Dan, Don't do this.  
We all love you!  
I am depressed too Dan, it sucks. But life goes on, think about Phil!  
What will Phil think?  
You're leaving Phil behind!  
But Phil!  
Phil will be devestated Dan!_

He sat, his face in his hands, for about ten minutes, before he looked straight into the camera and simply said.  
"Goodbye internet."

He picked up the razor and held it to his wrist. He made jagged cuts all down his arms, hoping the blood would leave him quickly. He lay on the bed a moment, bleeding, before picking up an orange bottle of pills.  
He popped open the vodka and downed about seven of the pills.  
Someone was knocking on his door.  
"Dan! Dan open up now!" Phil's voice could be heard on the other side. A small sob escaped from Dan.  
He had to hurry.  
He downed twelve more pills and cut into his skin deeper, he stood up and grabbed another orange bottle from his dresser.  
His door burst open. Phil had broken the lock.  
"DAN!" HE screamed and hit the pills from his had, scattering them among the floor.  
"NO PHIL. Stop." He tried to dive for the pills, but Phil grabbed him around the waist.  
"PHIL PLEASE!" Dan's desperate screams turned into even more desperate whispers.  
"I want to die, Phil. Please." He sobbed at the sound of an ambulance alarm.  
He collapsed unto the floor.


	3. I'm a fuck up

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT 3**

Phil drove behind the ambulance, speeding to get hospital. he wasn't allowed inside, which angred him, because he and Dan weren't married.  
Finally arriving at the ER, Phil ran behind the medical bed in which carried his love. Dan looked awful, which his oxygen mask, and pale skin.  
Phil was following the bed, when a heavy hand hit him in the chest.  
"You can't go in there, son"  
"But I'm his-"  
"Family only in cases like this."  
Phil scoffed.  
"His family isn't going to show! He's going to wake up, alone, and afraid and don't think that I won't sue you and this hospital."  
The man stared at him for a moment.  
"Name?"  
"Phil Lester. Now let me see my boyfriend." He clenched his fists.  
"He's in a special care unit. Even family would have to go into the seperate waiting room. You'll be notified of his condition quicker there, though." He said, beckoning for Phil to follow him.  
He did.

* * *

Phil bounced his knee anxiously as he awaited for someone, anyone to say anything about Dan. Did they get the poison out? Are his wounds healed?  
Only time will tell. But time was bothering Phil. He's been in the waiting room for at least three hours.  
"Phil Lester?"  
Phil stood up abruptly.  
"Is Dan okay?" He blurted. The nurse smiled a bit.  
"He's fine. He's got some scars, and he'll be unusually tired. But he's going to wake up sometime today, and we think to avoid panic attacks, you should be there."  
Phil nodded and followed the nurse to the small room. The walls were pastel, and the floor had white tiles. A bed sit in the middle of the room, where Dan was. He was really very pale, with an oxygen mask, and a hosptial gown.  
Phil sat down in the chair next to the bed, grabbing Dan's, surprisingly warm, hand.  
"There is no permanent damage, physically." The nurse said, quietly. Phil nodded. "And he most likely won't try this again."  
The nurse turned to leave with a "Tell me if you need anything." Leaving Dan and Phil alone.  
Phil wondered if Dan was dreaming. If he was having his nightmares again. If he was, they would be prolonged, in effect to the sleeping drugs given to Dan.  
Phil jumped in his chair. Everyone on the internet thought Dan was dead.  
He grabbed his phone and opened twitter. Sure enough, the hashtag #RIPDanHowell was already trending.  
"Dammit." he said to no one in particular.  
He started typing his tweet;

_Hello Phans,  
I'm so so sorry that I haven't talked to you yet. I hope you will understand.  
Dan is in the hospital, and very much alive. Well, not very much. He's asleep, now because of the drugs the hospital fed him.  
He has scars that I can help heal.  
I am so sorry you all had to experience this.  
I might now update my social media (Including YouTube) For a little while, for obvious reasons, neither will Dan.  
Thanks.  
-Phil_

The tweet was immediately spread social media, and when Phil checked his phone an hour later, the new hashtag that was trending was #DanHowellLives

* * *

About eight hours later, Phil lay his head on the bed next to Dan's. Phil was tired. The beep of Dan's heart monitor and Dan's shallow breath put him in the state of being half-awake, and half-alseep.  
Phil stared at his boyfriend drowsily, studying his facial features. His flat iron had worn off, so his brown hair curled at its tips. He had plump cheekbones, and tired brown eyes.

His eyes were open.  
"Phil..?" Dan moaned as he turned his head to look at the other boy.  
"Dan!" Phil gapsed and pulled him into a tight, but careful hug.  
"I was so worried Dan."  
"Where am I..?" Dan mubled, hugging his boyfriend back.  
"You're... in the hospital." Phil responded.  
Dan nodded slighty. "In the... hospital..."  
Dans memories suddenly flooded his.  
"Oh my god! He sat up, and winced.  
"Don't do that to your arms, Dan. Take it easy!"  
"Phil, what did I do?!"  
"Dan it's-"  
"Don't say it's fine. Oh god, I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up."  
"Dan-"  
"I'm a fuck up, Phil! I should have waited longer. I should have blocked our friends from the livestream! I should-"  
"That's what you're worried about?" Phil didn't say it angrily, more surprised. Heartbroken.  
"I just... I needed to go. I deserve to-"  
"Nobody deserves to die, Dan! Escpecially you! What have you ever done? Noth-"  
"I dont deserve you!"  
The words echoed through the empty room, as both boys stared at eachother, for entirely different reasons.  
"I don't. I ruin your life, I make you cry, you could do so much better without me!"  
Phil remained silent.  
"My own parents even hated me! They've always been disappointed in me! They disowned me, Phil. My own parents! You'd be perfectly happy if i wasn't here and you know it, Phil. I'm a fucking mistake. I even failed at trying to make it stop. I shouldn't have made a video, I should've just shot myself through the fucking head. And now I've gone and done it. I sucked you in with me, and I'm going down. You could have found someone so much better! And I'm done trying. Go find someone else. Your gonna get a lot better guy than a fuck up like me."  
Phil stared at Dan, his mouth hanging open. Dan sat up on the bed, and hugged his knees, facing away from Phil.  
"Dan." Phil stood up, and took Dan's face in his hands. He pressed his lips to his and kissed him lightly. Dan slowly kissed back, surprised.  
Phil finally pulled away  
"Don't say that. I'd never be as happy if you were gone. Alright?" He wiped away Dan's tears.  
Dan shook his head.  
"I don't believe you."


	4. Its not your fault, but-

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT 4**

Dan stared at Phil a moment.  
"I need to sleep. You can leave, or whatever." He layed on his back, tears still running down his face.  
"I'm not leaving Dan. Do you want me to?"  
Reluctantly, Dan shook his head.  
"Great."  
Phil lifted the bed covers and lay next to Dan, fitting his head into Dan's shoulder, the way he always did.  
And they stayed like that for who knows long.  
Five minutes or three days, all Phil could think was that Dan was broken.  
He was pitch black  
And broken

Fourteen messages from PJ.  
Twelve messages from Louise.  
Thriteen messages from Chris.  
Sixteen messages from Tyler.  
Sixteen messages from Cat.  
Two messages from Marzia.

Phil scrolled through his Phone, counting off the messages.

PJ: Where the fuck is Dan  
Phil: Dan is in the hospital. Alive. I'm busy atm, so I won't reply much. Thanks for caring.

Louise: I am so sorry Phil I really am I didn't even know Dan was sad I could have helped...  
Phil:Dan is in the hospital. Alive. I'm busy atm, so I won't reply much. Thanks for caring.

Chris: dans a fucking saint he didnt deserve this. u ok?  
Phil:Dan is in the hospital. Alive. I'm busy atm, so I won't reply much. Thanks for caring.

Tyler: Phil I swear to god I am so so sorry I didn't know if you want I can buy a plane ticket to visit you if you need someone. I really am sorry Dan was great and he deserved better. I know you made him happy.  
Phil: Dan is in the hospital. Alive. I'm busy atm, so I won't reply much. Thanks for caring.

Cat: Phil I am sobbing so hard Im so sry i didnt know  
Phil:Dan is in the hospital. Alive. I'm busy atm, so I won't reply much. Thanks for caring.

Marzia: I hope you made it safely to the hospital. I really am sorry for whatever happened. Dan s a great guy, I didn't know him much, but I enjoy him when he's around. Have a nice day.  
Phil:Dan is in the hospital. Alive. I'm busy atm, so I won't reply much. Thanks for caring.  
Pausing, Phil added;  
You saved his life, and my happiness, Marzia. Thank you.

Dan stirred slightly in his sleep, and Phil felt Dan's arms wrap around his waist. Phil knew for a fact he and Dan ould get through this. He'd be there 100% of the way.

Phil paced the room as Dan got his bandages changed. He felt like neither of them had left this room in years. Still, Dan was happier this way, with Phil there. Phil could tell.

"Have you eaten anything in the last two days, sir?" The blonde nurse asked, her voice too sweet and peppy to be natural.  
Dan looked at Phil.  
"No." phil stated blankly, leaning against the wall.  
"Have you been walking around?"  
Dan looked at Phil.  
"No." Phil repeated.  
"Well, , can you pick up some food from the food court? My shift ends in five minutes, I could show you the way." She smiled widely. Phil nodded.  
"I'll be back in a bit." Phil told Dan. Dan nodded and watched him leave, heavy bags and the absence of a smile premittably absent.  
The nurse grabbed Phil's arm.  
" , not taking care of yourself is a sure sign of depression, and I've seen a lot of signs of depression in your, er, friend ."  
"Boyfriend, and I know. But I can't take him to a doctor and he's already taken way too many meds to be healthy." Phil corrected, concern tinting his voice.  
"Please, try to make him eat something at least, he might refuse."  
"Yea, He's been like this before, a long, long time ago. I'll do my best." Phil reassured the nurse, giving her an empty smile. She directed him to the food court and he walked absentmindedly, his hands filling his pockets.  
Chips, vinegar, and two burgers occupied the plate Phil carried. He tried to pick something that wouldn't be too much for Dan's stomach, but had protien. Two plain burgers surved both purposes.  
He opened the door and immediately knew Dan was not going to eat anything. He sat cross-legged on the bed, black jeans and t-shirt, phone in hand, eyeing the burger te kind of way he looked at moths. Disguisted.  
"Dan, you have to eat one of them." Phil countered, taking his off the plate. Dan rolled his eyes and stared back down at his phone.  
"Dan!" Phil grabbed Dan's phone, just to receive Dan staring at the wall.  
"Dan, you have to eat."  
"Why?" Dan said defiantly.  
"Because if you don't, you'll starve to death." Phil spat, irritable for being trapped up for two days and irritable for Dan's lack of progress.  
"So what, Phil?"  
"Daniel Howell you're one of the most difficult people I've ever met."  
"Then leave if i make you so miserable."  
"You're still on about that? Dan-"  
Dan stared at Phil, refusing to eat.  
"You're acting like a toddler." Phil stated, staring at him. Dan stared at the wall.  
Phil angrily paved the room, then leaned on the trey at the front of the bed, his back bent, his head forward.  
"Dan, I know it's not your fault you're sick. It's not you're fault at all, not even a little. But it is your fault for not trying to get better. I need you to eat so we both can be happy again."  
Dan ate.


	5. Going home and VidCon

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT Who friggin knows anymore**

It was finally time to go home.  
Phil felt like he and Dan had been trapped up in that hospital for weeks on end. Literally no matter how many trips he took to the bathroom or food court he oulnd't get rid of his jitterleg.  
and Dan was happy too. For once in forever he could curl up on the couch next to Phil, his shoulder occupied by Phil's head, his hand around Phil's waist.  
Basically he wanted to spend time with Phil.  
So they got in the car, the sun seeming brighter than before, and they drove off. Just like that they were gone, away form the hospital that saved Dan's life.  
"Phil?" Dan said, scrolling through his social media.  
"Yea bear?" Phil said, not taking his eyes off the road.  
"Thanks for telling people I'm not dead."  
"Yea, bear. No problem."  
Dan had definately progressed at least a little bit back in the hospital. He was eating, and caring about his appearence once more, which was good. Phil just wanted his old Dan back. Little did he know he'd get a lot more than that.  
"Dan, VidCon is in three weeks." Phil realized. What if they had to miss it? Phil's heart dropped at the thought of the disappointed fans.  
"Mmmm..." Dan said, staring out the window, his thoughts draining. He could get through five days, right?  
What if he had a panic attack on the plane?  
"'ll be fine, I'll bring some sort of... I dunno." Dan leaned his head on the back of his chair and closed his eyes.

Three weeks later  
+++

It was an understatement to say that Phil was totally stressed out.  
Dan had originally been helping him pack for VidCon, but packing, as it always did, usually stressed people out in the fear of forgetting something. So when Phil saw Dan's eyebrows becoming closer and closer knit and his eyes becoming wider and wider Phil finally asked him to go read YouTube comments on their gaming channel. understanding completely, Dan left a very alone Phil to pack for himself.  
And he had to pac for to as well.  
So he packed socks, and underwear, and trousers, and shirts. And the luxuries like DS and anime on disk and other stuff that he and Dan could do quietly.  
And at the end of it all, Phil fell asleep on Dan's bed at 7:45 PM

**OK I have to go to bed but I rly wanted to update for yall.. To be honest I had an anxiety attack today and I just need sleep. Don't ask. Good night! Comment what you want to happen!**


	6. Since when did I become nobody

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT 6**

Airports were one of the things that made Dan anxious, with the big crowds, and the fear of missing a flight, all in all it was what Dan would call a big ball of nope.  
And that was where he was at that exact moment. In an airport.  
And it did help that Phil was there, but Phil really was shit with keeping track of what flight they needed to get on and what seat they needed to sit in and where they needed to go. And he tried, he really did. But Dan soon realized it was up to him.  
So he got their tickets, found their flight, found their seats, and Dan just wanted to sleep.  
He was digging trough his carry-on when Phil squeezed his upper arm and whispered in his ear, "You did really good, then." And Phil then lay his head on Dan's shoulder.  
Dan lay his head on top of Phil's, his headphones playing the song Fall Out Boy, his heart beating along with the drums.  
The long plane ride would give Dan time to think. Which is something he's been doing a lot lately.  
And obviously, he's been thinking about his suicide.  
Something had cracked inside of Dan, he felt broken. Sick. He had forgotten everything important and tried to poison himself. Worst of al, he'd lied to Phil so he could. Which sucked, because it showed how badly he did want to die. Sometimes he still does.  
It's obvious Dan has problems with anxiety, stress, and emotion in general. 2009 to around 2011 were the suckiest years ever. And then Phil came along and he elt fixed. But now, he felt broken again.  
Worst of all, it was effecting Phil.  
It was a lot to put on Phil's shoulders, and Dan hated that. He knew Phil deserved so much better than himself, but Phil just wouldn't hear it. And now here he was, lying in the same shitty boyfriend's shoulder. Dan would be a wreck without Phil, but Dan knew some amazingly attractive guy would come in and swoop Phil off his feet. Dan hate the thought of it, but it would be so much better for his lion. If only his lion agreed...

VidCon was always fun, and Phil really loved hanging around the other YouTubers, expecially after the meetups and interviews. There was a little meetup in their room at the moment, including Dan, Phil, Toby, Felix, Caspar, and Joe. The guys were just watching a movie and scrolling through twitter and such, pretending to o womething until the girls got back from the pool and everyone left. It's not like they didn't enjoy one another's company, its just that they were all tired from their day of meeting some normal, some very not, fans and running around doing interviews all day.  
Dan and Phil were laying on their bed, Harry Potter playing in the background, while Felix and Toby were discussing some random select games, and Joe was sitting at Caspar's sleeping side, half listening.  
"-people keep asking me to play Amnesia again and I'm so bored of the game and I haven't played it in like, three years."  
"I'm getting seriously sick of Happy Wheels, but everyone asks where the happy wheels videos are and I just put them up because I'm a coward."  
It was around 8 PM, 2 AM British time, so Dan and Phil were tired to say the least. Felix should have been tired, considering he lived in britain, but he seemed perfectly awake talking to Toby.  
Finally, they all got so bored of listening to each other blink, and decided to do a huge collab video, and since it was Joe's idea, it was going on his channel.  
"Hey guys! So I'm here with these assholes-" He gestured to the men around him. "And we're-"  
"Gonna shoot one big giant porn." Caspar interrupted.  
"Ummmm no, sadly, we are going to play HOTEL TRUTH OR DARE!" Joe yelled, and everyone around him cheered.  
"So, I asked you all to tweet specific people with specific hachtags, specific questions. So, Felix." Joe turned to Felix. "Truth or Dare?!"  
The video went on pretty well, until finally it was over, and Caspar ended up asking the receptionist if she has herpes, quite creepily, Phil might add, and everyone went to bed.  
Everyone but Dan and Phil.  
Dan seemed pretty tense, and Phil had sudden jetlag, so he and Dan decided to watch the end of Harry Potter.  
"I feel sick." Dan muttered, leaning against Phil.  
"Are you?" He touched Dan's forehead, but he seemed fine.  
"Did you see some of those questions for me? When Caspar asked me truth or dare?"  
And Phil knew exactly what he was talking about. There was that one little question among many others that staed simply, 'You should've died.'  
And most of the other ones were, 'Why did you attempt suicide?'  
And Phil didn't bring it up, obviously because there were ther people, and maybe it didn't bother Dan. But he doubted it.  
"Those are dumb trolls, Dan. They have no life."  
"I've seen a lot of those lately. I'm gonna take some asprin." Dan stood up, but Phil grabbed his sleeve.  
"No Dan, no more pain killers, you've taken so many, you're getting sick off of them. I heard you vomiting the other day. I didn't want to say anything, but those things can really mess up your-"  
"Who fucking cares anymore Phil?! No one!" Dan yelled, pulling his arm away from Phil.  
"Don't say that Dan..." Phil replied quietly. Dan shook his head.  
"Why shouldn't I, Phil? Why fucking shouldn't I! I'm so sick of my stupid life, and sometimes I just want it to go away! It's purposeless! I have no meaning!"  
"Dan, so many people love you, you have0"  
"Nobody fucking actually cares Phil! If I seriously killed myself, who would cry? Thrirty, fourty fangirls? For a week tops? I have made zero impact on this world, and no one cares if I die or not. I-"  
"SINCE WHEN DID I BECOME NOBODY?!" Phil screamed, cascading silence across the room. Dan stared, Phil never raised his voice.  
"I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT WHEN YOU SAY THAT DAN! IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M NOT DOING MY JOB AS A BOYFRIEND. IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE EVERYTIME I'M THERE FOR YOU DOESN'T DO A SINGLE THING. WELL, I'M TRYING, OKAY? I CAN'T NOT BE UPSET SOMETIMES, I CAN'T BE PEFECT. AND I KNOW YOU CAN'T EITHER, AND I'M TRYING TO HELP BUT ALL THAT HAPPENS IS-" Phil's voice caught, and he burst into tears. Wiping them off his cheeks with his sleeve, he left, quietly closing the door behind him.  
**HOPE YOU LIKED IT! You can send me suggestions either in reviews or in tumblr sociopaths-slitheen-and-snape. I'm thinking about a highschool AU as well...  
****Updating either tomorrow or Sunday! Bye loves! -Tootsie**


	7. Magnets

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT 7**

What the fuck did Dan just do.  
Dan didn't have much. His parents disowned him, so he didn't have them. A lot of his wievers were overrdramatic and way too public, so he couldn't be personal with them. And most of his friends didn't understand why someone could be so sad with no reason to be.  
But he had Phil.  
And obviously, that was what he fucked up.  
Phil.

He paced the room. Back and forth, around the beds, in circles, and back to the door. He had to go talk to Phil. But would Phil even talk to him? Would Phil even _want_ to talk to him? What if Dan just fucked it up even more?  
His head hurt. His head fucking hurt.  
_Where are my pain killers? Where did Phil put them?  
_Phil always monitered how many painkillers Dan took, and he usually found it annoying. At the moment, he just felt stripped of sensible emotion.  
_Where the fuck are my painkillers.  
_Dan's mind went wild, and racing. It went back and forth from;  
_Where the shit are my painkillers?!  
_to  
_Where the shit is Phil?!  
_then to  
_Fuck the world.  
_And finally we end up at;  
_Phil is on the roof._

Dan didn't know how he came to this wild conclusion. Somehow, he just knew. And he knew for a reason unknown, because never in his life, has Dan found Phil on a roof. But sometimes, when things are perfect, people turn into magnets. And they find each other once more.  
And Dan was a magnet. And Phil was some sort of metal that needed to be found.  
So Dan went to the roof.

Phil sat on the edge of the roof, his legs dangling dangerously over the edge, glowing cars speeing and honking below. And his head was in the clouds. And in the clouds Dan was upset and sad and Phil was trying to make him happy again. But Dan was still sad, and Dan didn't notice Phil. And Phil was a bad boyfriend.  
"Phil!"  
Phil's head snapped up, and he was suddenly aware of the wetness of his cheeks, and the wind-ruffledness of his hair. He stood up, and turned around. And there was Dan, the fast wind moving his hair in different directions, and his stiffness indicating how high they really were. Phil could barely hear him over the wind.  
"Phil, I'm sorry! You deserve better than me you really do. I know you care, you're the only person I can really talk to."  
He moved closer.  
"I didn't want to offend you I just feel like nothing is going right in my life lately. You're the only thing keeping me grounded." He shouted over the wind.  
They were arms length apart now, and they both could still barely hear one another. The wind was picking up. it was faster and faster and louder and louder.  
"I didn't want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you. Our relationship is basically the 'You are my sunshine' song in a nutshell. I never want to loose that."  
Phil stared at Dan for a moment. He meant it, he really meant it. Dan loved Phil, and Phil loved Dan. And they were magnets.  
And they kissed.

Phil grabbed the lapels of Dans jacket and pulled him forward, his lips somehow perfectly fitting into his. Dan's hands found their was around Phil's waist, and Phil kept his hands on Dan's chest. And they were electricity, and they were fire, they were like stars in the sky, forming the perfect constellations for just two.  
They were like magnets.  
And they found one another.

**I felt like I used the 'magnets' thing a little too much. But it's in my own personal book called 'Skinny girl.' and I wanted to test it out? Idk.  
TWO CHAPTERS TONIGHT! Because I feel like John Green and my fingers and keyboard are exploding!  
GUYS YOU CAN CONTACT ME TOO!  
Either on ffandom_memes on instagram  
ORRRR  
Sociopaths-slitheen-and-snape on tumblr!  
I have theatre tomorrow!  
And I WILL BE POOPED.  
So probably no chapters tomorrow!  
THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE AMAZING COMMENTS!  
****I use fanfiction for warm ups for my real, and personal stories. When I get older, I'd love to fly away from Minnesota to lovely London, with a small flat and just be in plays and musicals and write until my fingers bleed. Your amazing comments make me soooo happy and I love every single one of you. Thank you!**

**Bye loves! -Tootsie**


	8. Clean BBC

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT 8**

Hotel beds sucked. They didnt;  
1\. Smell like Daniel James Howell  
2\. Didn't have his pillow that was just firm enough but also quite soft.  
3\. They didn't smell like Phil's super hot boyfriend, Dan.  
When Phil lay with Dan under his cozy black comforter, Dan's arms around his waist, and this chin resting on Phil's head, he felt more comfortable then he ever had been.  
Dan and Phil have been getting along much better lately. They found a new anime, they go on walks to the park, they sleep in the same bed once more.  
And even better than all of those things combined, Dan only takes a painkiller a week.  
And he's much happier. He smiles a lot, he laughs a lot, he updates his channel every week. Phil couldn't be more proud of his bear. And Dan couldn't be happier with anyone else.  
They got along quite well nowadays. And lying under this cover, his boyfriend wraped around him protectively, Phil decided he liked his life. And that was because Dan was here.  
And they had a radio show in half an hour.  
Phil rolled over and lightly shook Dan's shoulder.  
"Dan..?"  
"Mmmmm..."  
"Dan, we have a radio show in half an hour. We have to go."  
"Mmmmm..."  
"Dan, babe. I'm serious."  
Dan wrapped his arms tigher around Phil, pulling him back under the duvet. Phil giggled.  
"Get up, Dan! We have to go."  
"Idonwannago." Dan murmered. Phil could feel the vibration of his words against his ear.  
"Alright, then you can wake up two minutes before we go, throw on your clothes, and end up at the BBC with hobbit hair and pajama bottoms." Phil managed to slither out of bed and walk to the kitchen. He would wake Dan in five minutes.  
Phil flipped the coffee switch and rubbed his eyes. He flipped on the TV for background noise and drank his coffee slowly.  
He was about halfway done with his coffee and just about to go wake up Dan when he noticed the shouting outside.

The thing about Phil Lester, is that when he's tired, he's not the sharpest knife in the bunch. Once, he watered a cactus and put it back into a drawer, only for Dan later to find, all because it was late. So when he was half awake now, with the sounds muffled by his window, he didn't notice them at all  
But now, with coffee in his system, he pulled back the curtain and saw mobs of people gathered around their apartment, screaming and holding up colorful signs.  
Phil craned his neck and looked down at the signs, reading their messages. This was obviously a riot.  
His stomach dropped.  
FAGGOTS TO HELL.  
INFLUENCING THE CHILDREN  
CLEAN BBC  
BURN IN HELL  
GOD SAID ADAM AND EVE

Now, this was a huge surprise to Phil, since he and Dan hadn't officially come out at all, or BBC Radio. Phil hoped they were here for something else.  
"Dan?" Phil half-yelled down the hall. No response.  
"Dan!" Phil yelled again. He heard Dan's feet hit the ground and he came jogging down the hall.  
"What happened?" He asked, half frantic, half asleep.  
"Theres- theres people out there. A-and I dunno-..." He stopped as Dan pulled back the curtain and eyed the people below. His jaw set.  
"They're probably here for something else?" He said, half sure. Phil shook his head and Dan pulled him into a bear hug. He ran his hand over his back.  
"There's probably some-"  
Dan was interrupted by a loud rapping on the door. He let go of Phil, still hanging unto his hand, and answered it. A tall, heavy-built man in a suit was standing in the doorway, all business.  
"Dan Howell, Phil Lester?" He asked. His eyes landed on Phil, who recoiled and Dan stepped in front of him.  
"Yes? Who the hell are you?"  
"You should come with me."  
"Answer my question."  
" , if you please."  
Dan's jaw set.  
"Who the bloody hell ARE you?!" He demanded, a little surprised at his own bravery. Phil grinned. Dan was almost at his normal self again.  
"A BBC executive. There's a riot outside, and everything will be explained by our producer in the car." He held up a badge that meant nothing to Dan. Still, he followed the man down the stairs and out the door.  
The noise outside could not be described if to try. It was like a million angry people on a rollercoaster, only worse. Some people threw things, Phil was nearly hit with a shoe, which Dan promptly threw back.  
"Who are these people?" Dan muttered quietly. Phil shook his head, fear obvious in his eyes.  
At the far end in the right corner, was a group of about nine 13-18 people. There was six girls and three boys, wearing pins and badges that said EQUALITY and GOD LOVES EVERYONE and IS THAT WHAT THEY TOLD YOU TO THINK? printed on them. Two of them were actually wearing Dan and Phil shirts. It made Dan feel nice to know there were a couple sane people.  
They got into a shiny, black limo that sat in the far end of the street, the rioters crowding the car. The limo driver honked several times before slowly moving forward, pushing people lightly, but urgently out of the way. It wasn't until they were on clear road that the boys noticed the girl.  
She was about 22 years old, and stunningly gorgeous. She had dyed purple hair down to her ribcage, long fringe, and a mint green shirt. She smiled at them, but it wasn't a greeting. It was more of a something-bad-is-about-to-happen-but-I'm-really-sorry-about-it smile.  
"Hi, boys. I'm Willow. I'm the producer."  
She shook both their hands and took a deep breath.  
"I know you are both confused, so I'm just going to get straight to the point. Have y'all gotten on social media lately?" She had a southern-belle accent and red lipstick. She looked rich.  
"N-no, why?" Phil stuttered. Willow shook her head.  
"Boys, y'all was on a roof at VidCon sometime five weeks ago, and someone got some pictures. They're all over and people ain't happy about it. Said that BBC should be a 'kid friendly' company. Kid friendly my ass, what y'all are doin' in your life is perfectly fine with the company, I'll tell ya that. Furthermore, people are mad about the count of openly Homo, Bi, and Pansexual people on YouTube. These riots are happenin' all over. They're much smaller for others like Tyler Oakley and Connor Franta, the only reason y'all got it bad is because of your radio show."  
Dan and Phil both froze. They were outed overnight? By some creepy guy with a camera? This was not good.

**HAHAHA I'm evil AF sorry! Thanks for all the amazing reviews though! I'm trying to update more often, I swear. But It's hard to, you know. I'll try my best. The next update will most likely (NO PROMISES) Be up by the end of this or next week? I'm going on a cruise so IDK. **

**Bye loves! -Tootsie**


	9. Gathering at the BBC

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT 9**

The drive to BBC was terrifying. They'd have to come out. To their friends, Phil's grandparents, their fans. They've been dating five years now, they should be ready.  
But they weren't.  
Willow kept talking, and it helped a little. She explained the riots were from a group called the GSN (God Said No) and that they had all freaked the hell out when they realized the radio show they listened to had gays in it. This group of people had people in America, Australia, Scotland, and even Mexico. They all formed together and rioted at some of the most well-known Homosexuals homes at 1 AM last night (7 AM American time) Soon there were riots everywhere. Tyler and Connor had to be moved to a nearby office, while Troye Sivan was going to be with them in the radio stations. They had attacked other LGBT+ community members, who supported homosexuality, and rioted at their homes as well. Such as Tobuscus, PewDiePie and his girlfriend CutiePieMarzia, CinnamonToastKen, Lukeisnotsexy, and others. Everyone is just hanging out at BBC until things calm the hell down.  
Arriving at the BBC, Phil saw some familiar faces. Luke, Emma, Felix, Marzia, Troye, ect. And some unfamliar faces as well. Phil knew he had recognized Willow, from Luke's grilfriend tag, he had just been too panicked to connect two and two together.  
"Are you two alright? Do you need some... Coffee or anything?" Phil turned around to see a short brunette at his elbow. She looked at him shyly.  
"No, thank you." He tried his best to smile. Dan grabbed his hand.  
"Are we going to have to come out?" He asked quietly.  
"It'd be pretty pathetic if we didn't. I don't want to, but it might be for the best..."

**I am sooooo sorry its soooo short i just needed to get one chapter in before I leave. I am legit getting on a plane in like an hour and I haven't packed yet (Oops) Soooo ummm, better do that LOL**

**Bye loves! -Tootsie**


	10. I am so sorry -- blood and tears

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT 10**

_"Are we going to have to come out?" Dan asked._

_"It'd be pretty pathetic if we didn't. I don't want to, but it might be for the best..." Phil responded._

Dan had small tears brimming his eyes. Phil could feel them in his as well.  
"It'll be okay, bear. We won't hurry it, it might take time. We'll be fine, the fans already practically know, and they'll support us fully."  
"What if they react the way my parents did when I told them I was bi?"  
"Not everyone is your parents, Dan. We'll be fine. I swear on everything."  
Dan took a couple deep breaths. No one was talking. Just faint little hellos and the sipping of coffee and tea. Phil felt like his insides were going to explode. What if they damaged their apartment? The other residents inside it? Where Tyler and Connor okay? His mind was going faster than a speeding plane and it hurt his head.  
"Dan and Phil?" An official-looking lady poked her head around the corner. They both straightened up.  
"You're apartment has been cleared. You can go."  
They both practically flew out the door. They'd been there two hours, and needed to see the damage.

The parking lot outside was beyond dirty. There were littered cups, cans, bottles and pickett signs everywhere. They had big letters on theme. FAGS GO TO HELL. GAY IS NOT OKAY. Phil felt sick, Dan did sick.  
He peeled over a bush and emptied his stomach, Phil rubbing his back. When he was done, he burst into a fit of sobs.  
"I-I'm sorry-y I c-can't do-o this-s." Phil wrapped his arms around Dan's neck and Dan wrapped his arms around Phil's waist and they stand there for a while. Dan sobbing, Phil silently crying, whispering that things will be okay.  
Except they weren't. Phil helped Dan into his bedroom and cuddled him to sleep. Everything smelled like Dan. Dan's comforter, his room, Dan himself. It comforted Phil to know that the thing that caused this (their relationship) was all too worth it.  
He drifted off the sleep, and for once, he didn't dream. The silence was deafeningly pleasing, and thoughtful and he could almost hear his own and Dan's breaths.  
That was, until they stopped.  
He woke to an empty bed except himself. He sat up, rubbed his eyes, and rolled out. He tiptoed down the hall to see the bathroom light on, the door closed. Dan must have had to use the bathroom, so Phil went to make coffee.  
Except he sat there.  
Alone.  
Alone for quite some time with his coffee and Dan's on the counter next to him, getting cold.  
He finally stood from his stool and brought up all of his lion courage to knock.  
"Dan?"  
Silence.  
"Dan, babe? I made coffee."  
Nothing, except a dry, faint, muffled sob.  
Phil's heart jumped.  
"Dan? Dan?" He knocked harder this time. He knew what was happening.  
"Dan! Dan, let me in, please!"  
A locked door.  
He slammed his shoulder into it. "Dan! DAN!"  
Finally, with an aching shoulder being pushed into it for the sixth time, the door popped open.  
And there sat Dan, suprisingly alive, cuts all up his arms and on his stomach, bleeding on the bathroom floor.  
He looked up at Phil with a mix of emotion; anger, shame, apologeticness, love, shock, and most of all, an expression painted across his bear's face far too often;  
sadness.  
He stood there for a moment. He had thought Dan would have been dead, lying on the ground, pill bottle in hand.  
But no,  
He had just run a razor across his own skin becuase Phil had been too busy sleeping like a lump to do anything.  
He knelt next to Dan and helped him up, struggling under his weight, and kissed his face.  
"Shhhh, it's fine. It's okay..." He whispered in his ear as he wrapped bandages around the cuts. Fourteen wraps up each arm, three across the stomach.  
"Ph-phil I'm s-so sorr-ry." he bubbled, Phil rubbed his back.  
"Don't apologize, please. You seem so tired, bear. How long have you been awake?"  
"Sinc-ce th-three ish-sh."  
"Alright, why don't we go to bed?"  
"You-you're not mad?"  
"I'm not mad, I'm sad. And it's okay. It'll be okay."  
"St-stop saying that l-like you actually mean it."  
"But I do mean it, I'm just as fooled as the rest."  
They lay in Dan's bed, Dan in a log-like sleep while Phil lay awake, making sure Dan didn't leave again. Phil couldn't believe himself. He had left Dan to drown in his own blood and blades once more, and to refresh the faded scars on his wrists. He had been five months clean, going on six. He couldn't believe himself. Some boyfreind.  
After about four hours of mentally beating himself up, Dan woke and they both retreated to the lounge to watch animes silently. Dan's armdraped loosely around Phil's waist, Phils knees against Dan's and his head on Dan's shoulder.  
Finally, it was Dan who spoke.  
"Phil? Can I ask you a dumb question?"  
"Of course..."  
"Why do you cry when I cut?"  
Phil stared at him blankly for a moment.  
"I heard you." Dan said quickly, "I was half asleep and I could hear you sobbing into my chest and feel you running your fingers across the bandages. Why is it so important to you I stay clean?"  
Phil stared at him another moment, so Dan kept talking.  
"I mean, I get it. You want me to be happy, you're my boyfriend, I get it. But it's something I choose to do on my own, that I do to myself."  
"Like drugs." Phil finally spoke.  
"Thats different."  
"Really isn't."  
"Phil," Dan stood up. Phil followed. "It's my skin, it's my blood. Why would you care. It makes me feel better, not worse. And I choose to do it, I don't choose to have depression, or be sad, but I choose to cut! It's that simple."  
"Dan, it's really not. You can't just cut yourself and spill your own blood it's terrible! You can fight it, I know you can. How would you feel if I-"  
"Don't even go there! Don't even- You're the happiest person alive, you wouldn't do that. You're the biggest optimist I've ever met, and you should be proud of it. I don't have to worry about you."  
"One day I feel like you're going to take it to far and I'm going to come home to find blood leaking out from under the bathroom door, and a dead body in our bathroom."  
"I'm not an idiot I know my limits!"  
"You CLEARLY don't! DID YOU SEE HOW MUCH YOU CUT YOURSELF LAST NIGHT?!"  
"YES! I KNOW PHIL BUT I DIDN'T FUCKING DIE SO WHATS THE FUCKING POINT?!"  
Phil stopped and stared for a moment, examining his boyfriend. He swiftly turned on his heel and walked down the hall, coming back with a shiny object.  
A razor.  
"Phil, what're you..?"  
Phil took the razor, stared his boyfriend straight in the eyes, and cut a long line across his wrist.  
"PHIL! WHAT ARE YOU-"  
Another line. Phil was crying now, his blood dripping on the capret.  
"PHIL STOP!" Dan started running towards him but he kept backing up, cutting more lines faster, flinching and recoiling and crying.  
"PHILIP MICHAEL LESTER YOU CAN'T JUST-"  
cut  
"PHIL STOP YOU'RE BLEEDING JUST-"  
cut  
"PHIL PLEASE I'M BEGGING YO-"  
cut cut cut  
"PHIL!" He finally wrestled the blade out of Phils hand. Phil was sobbing uncontrollably, clutching his wrists. Dan grabbed Phil's wrist too. Their eyes met.  
"I am so so sorry. I didn't-" Phil sniffled. "I didn't know. You shouldn't of had to do that. I'm so sorry I won't ever cut again I swear. Phil?"  
"D-Dan?"  
"I love you."  
Phil sobbed into Dan's shoulder, both still cluthcing his sloughtered wrist. Tears and blood everywhere.  
And that was the day Dan stopped cutting.

**Woah extra long chapter for you AHMAYZING  
**Sorry its been so long ily i was on vacation in texas.

**ADIOS -Tootsie**


	11. the phil to my dan

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT 11**

**WE INTERUpt THIS FANFIC To BRIng yoU AN ImPORtanT MESSAGe  
I AM WRITING A PHAN FIC ABOUT FACTIONS CALLED FACTIONS CHECK IT OUT  
ALSO I AM DOING A ROCKER/ARTiST AU Dan-Rocker Phil-artist CHECKITOUT WILL BE UP THIS OR NEXT WEEK FO SHO LY BYE**

_I'm sorry_

_pain doesnt subside it gets deeper_

_itll go away for a while_

_but soon the medicine wears off_

_and i lay smitten_

_your words and your face_

_have kept me on longer_

_your laughter has caused my laughter_

_and i know youre the reason_

_weve been here before_

_you and me_

_at this place and time_

_where ive wanted to kill myself_

_and i know youre in pain_

_and i know that this will hurt you_

_youll miss me_

_and ill miss you_

_but my life isnt worth it_

_im slipping and falling a billion times_

_and its all too slow and its all too bloody_

_and i cant play the game where im okay anymore_

_ive held on_

_for you_

_but now its time for me to go_

_i feel worthless_

_i feel sad_

_and now im going to die_

_or by the time youre reading this_

_im already dead and gone_

_and youre crying_

_and youre sad_

_but please phil please_

_dont be sad _

_i love you to bits _

_i always will even after life_

_i loved you ever since your bright eyes appeared on my computer screen_

_ever since i hit that subscribe button_

_ever since i got a reply and follow from you on twitter and nearly wet myself_

_ever since i saw your smiling face from across the train station_

_ever since i kissed you on the manchester eye and you actually kissed back_

_ever since you told me you loved me_

_ever since we moved in together and decorated our flat with stupid posters_

_ever since we had sex for the first time_

_and you told me you thought it was amazing how i asked if you wanted it at least twelve times_

_we were meant to be_

_despite society _

_despite my parents_

_despite gender_

_and backgrounds_

_and looks_

_and despite the facts that we were so oppisite i never had ever felt more connected or similar to someone_

_you made me dan_

_and i made you phil_

_and the guilt i feel for taking the dan from phil_

_is crushing_

_but dan and phil isnt nonexistent_

_its still there_

_youre still phil from dan and phil_

_im still dan from dan and phil_

_were just even more different now_

_even more opposite_

_dead and alive_

_please phil just know that i loved you more than i knew possible_

_you were my sunshine_

_you were everything that made me happy_

_but i just cant anymore_

_theres a difference between surviving and living_

_and im tired of just surviving_

_the wedding ring on the dresser is yours_

_the one on my bedside table is mine_

_i bought that four years ago_

_two years after i met you_

_becuase i knew_

_and ill always know_

_if anyone ever asks about me_

_please tell them that im happy now_

_that im free_

_that im light_

_and im flying_

_and i can see straight_

_and breathe_

_and i have no guilt_

_sadness_

_nothing_

_and im happy_

_and you should be too_

_be the sunshine on the computer screen_

_be the light of the world like you were for me_

_phil_

_ten minutes_

_cry for ten minutes everyday_

_be sad for ten_

_ten minutes daily_

_and then move on_

_know that if i was there_

_that id be miserable_

_phillip michael lester_

_i would have done this back in 2009_

_thank you_

_for carrying me_

_thank you_

_for being the phil to my dan_

**IM AN ASSHOLE  
THERES MORE THOUGH IT ISNT ENTIRELY OVER  
UGHHHHH-Tootsie**


	12. black roses

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT 11**

**WE INTERUpt THIS FANFIC To BRIng yoU AN ImPORtanT MESSAGe  
I AM WRITING A PHAN FIC ABOUT FACTIONS CALLED FACTIONS CHECK IT OUT  
ALSO I AM DOING A ROCKER/ARTiST AU Dan-Rocker Phil-artist CHECKITOUT WILL BE UP THIS OR NEXT WEEK FO SHO LY BYE**

I've just walked through the door and I can already tell something is wrong. Very, very wrong.  
The apartment is unusually quiet, except I can hear a faint dripping sound.  
Drip  
drip  
drip.  
I walk into the lounge and toss my bag unto the couch. Is Dan asleep?  
"Dan?" I whisper, creaking the door open. He's laying on his bed, his arm hung over the side.  
Drip  
drip  
drip  
His computer is open to miscrosoft word, probably scripting videos.  
I walk up to his bed, in the almost pitch-blackness. His eyes are closed, and red and puffy. He's been crying.  
Drip  
drip  
dtip  
He must've had a bad night, I lean over and kiss his forhead. It's plastered with sweat. He's still in his day clothes, and he's over all the covers. This isn't the first time I've found him like this.  
Drip  
drip  
drip  
What was that noise? I have to check the plumbing when I wake. I touch Dan's face, and walk into my own room. I shouldn't wake him, he deserves sleep for now.

next day

The sun was shining unusually bright. I've decided to let Dan sleep till noon, then have tea and watch a movie with him. That usually cheers him up. I have morning coffee, film, edit, and post a video, then read comments, and before I know it it's twelve thirty.  
"Dan? Wake up."  
No response.  
"Dan? It's noon, bear."  
I flip the switch.  
I'm too shocked and scarred to scream.  
His face is sunken  
his skin is grey  
his floor is littered with blades and pill bottles and wine bottles  
and worst of all, his arm is covered in blood, his shirt is soaked in blood, and his arm hanging over the side is still slightly bleeding unto the floor  
Drip  
drip  
drip  
There he was, the man I spent six years of my life with, dead in his own bed.  
In the bed we first spent the night sleeping in  
The bed I awoke next to him, stark naked witha throbbing ass for the first time  
The bed we would sleep in after long work days  
The bed we sat on when making videos together  
The bed that held my dead soulmate  
The bed I now hate.  
I let out a strangled cry and collapsed unto the floor.  
"Dan. Please." I crawl to his bed and kneel at his side, tracing his facial features with my thumb, poking where his dimple used to be.  
I had slept in the same house as a dead person.  
I suppose he's been dead a while now. Inside, living with the, well, living. And I guess he had lived long enough to say goodbye. How was I going to take care of myself?

Reading the google doc killed me the most.

_Three weeks later_

My world is in slow motion, and everything is grey. I've stopped caring, I've stopped living, actually. My coffee tastes like air, my food tastes like water, and I hae an inibility to obtain any sort of light.  
I get up around 3 PM daily, now.  
But today, I got up at six.  
Got into a cab, wearing my best suit, carrying black roses.  
And got off at the graveyard.  
The walk to the grave was painful.  
I looked at every stone, and saw names that meant nothing to me. But I knew, oh how I knew, that each of these had caused the same pain I'm feeling now. I can't breath, my legs are getting wobbly.  
There it is  
grey and worn  
Dan Howell  
1991-2015  
A stone to suffice every memory he ever lived to have or to be.  
I sat down.  
"Hey, Dan. It's Phil. Your boyfriend.  
H-how are you? I'm not doing very well myself, I can't sleep, I can hardly eat. I haven't really talked to anyone lately. They're all worried about me.  
This stone is stupid, ya know. I mean, I guess I thought you should have one, the nearest I could get to the place we first met. Which is dumb, considering it's such a long drive. But, It's finally made, and honestly a disapointment.  
I knew you wanted to be burned and buried, so thats what I did. I bought you flowers. Here, I'll set them down.  
They're black, get it? Because you always wore black when you..."  
"I-I'm s-sorry I tried n-not to cry-y I just c-can't do this anym-more.  
Why did you leave? W-why did you g-go I though things were getting b-better.  
I'm j-just mad. At mys-self at the w-world. Why did someone s-so great have to be b-burdened with something s-so fatal?  
Why is th-the world so cruel? Why c-couldn't we just be h-happy and adopt k-kids and start a d-dorky little family together-r? I Want t-to know why I'm being punished." I face the sky. "WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING I'M DOING THINGS RIGHT. WHY DID YOU PUNISH ME?! WHY DID YOU PUNISH HIM?!"  
"...I'm not mad at you Dan, you deserve rel-lief.  
I love you  
So much  
I always w-will."  
I bury my face in my hands and sob. And I sit like that for while. When I look back up, the sky is dark. I've been here all day.  
"Dan, promise me you'll take care of yourself, wherever you are, yeah? Please change your clothes and take showers and eat enough and exercise at least a bit, okay? Don't slip into bad habits. I'll visit often, yeah? Once a week. Twice a week, whatever. I'll visit a lot, for you and me.  
Dan, I still love you. You're still the best boyfriend I'd ever had. And I don't think I'll get a new one. I really believe you were my soulmate. And life brought us together, just as it ripped us apart.  
Goodbye Dan, take care."  
And fresh roses were placed every week on that grave.

**OK so I have one more chapter, and then this fic is done.  
BUT ALAS  
Its a HAPPY CHAPTER LOOK FORWARD TO IT BITCHES  
BYEBYEBYE-Tootsie**


	13. All lions go to heaven

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT 11**

**WE INTERUpt THIS FANFIC To BRIng yoU AN ImPORtanT MESSAGe  
I AM WRITING A PHAN FIC ABOUT FACTIONS CALLED FACTIONS CHECK IT OUT  
ALSO I AM DOING A ROCKER/ARTiST AU Dan-Rocker Phil-artist CHECKITOUT WILL BE UP THIS OR NEXT WEEK FO SHO LY BYE**

The car  
The city lights  
the schreeching of tires  
The sharp turn of the car  
Pain  
Darkness  
and then quiet

I don't know where I am.  
I could be anywhere. I was in a cab, on my way back from my mums  
It hurt  
I was in a lot of pain  
I was cold  
And I could feel something on my fingers  
Grass?  
Wasn't I just in a cab?  
Where am I?  
I could taste blood now  
It tasted thick  
Salty  
My hands were wet as well  
But I couldn't see them  
I couldn't move or see  
I could faintly hear screaming, city cars, and police sirens  
I couldn't move or see  
Where am I?  
Did I already think that?  
My back was in immense pain, and it was soaked. I was lying on my stomach.  
I might've been the entire time. Who knows.  
Where am I?  
I couldn't move or see.  
Maybe it's a nightmare  
Those happened a lot since 2015  
Even five years later  
Where am I?  
I couldn't move or see  
My thoughts are a train of endless and sensorless nonsense  
I'm so tired  
So  
so tired.

It's light out now, which is weird, considering it was just midnight.  
My fingers were still against grass, and my hands were still wet.  
Where am I?  
I can move and I can see.  
My hands are covered in blood  
My white, long-sleeved jumper is stained red  
My jeans too  
i'm covered in blood  
My own?  
I stand  
The green grass I was sprawled on had a small blood of lake on it  
My brain goes quickly  
Quicker than my sensibility  
'I need an ambulance!' I thought.  
Then I realized I would be dead already if I was already in any danger  
Anyway, I can stand.  
I see no wounds on me  
Only bright, white scars.  
One straight down my arm, another across my back, one under my eye, and two on my left leg.

I was in a park  
A brightly colored park, the greenest grasses, the pinkest cherry blossoms, the bluest skies. It was heavenly.  
It was weird.  
There was absolutely no where like this anywhere near I live. I couldn't be near my home anymore.  
I woke up here  
Where did I go to sleep?  
Then it hit me  
Carcrash  
Blood  
Cab ride  
Nightmares  
Pain  
I'm dead.  
I, Phil Lester, am dead.  
I was only thirty-three.  
I coughed. Blood came up, but it didn't hurt.  
I fell to my knees, coughing and hacking and wheezing.  
And crying  
And as I was having my little panic attack, I felt a hand on my back, rubbing it up and down comfortingly  
I jumped about a mile and swung my arms  
"Phil! Phil, it's okay, Phil..." I felt hands on my shoulders. My glasses were cracked slightly.  
A familiar face  
A too familiar face stared right back at me  
And he fucking smiled  
The stupid bastard fucking smiled right at me with a little grin that said _I'm here now  
_That stupid bastard  
I flung my arms around him and cried  
I'm dreaming  
This is a post-death thing or pre-death thing or something  
You have a dream  
And this is what I chose to dream **(Third person)**  
"Shhhh, you're home now. You're safe." Dan said, hugging me tightly back.  
"It's like a dream, Phil. You're gonna wake soon and-"  
"I don't w-wanna wake, I want to stay here. With you."  
"Not like that, dear. Your mind is wonky, you've just died. You gotta rest."  
"I'm dead? For real?"  
"You came a lot earlier than I expected you too."  
Phil pulled back and looked at Dan. They were both crying, but Phil noticed that Dan looked as though he were from 2012.  
"You should wash up, okay?"  
"O-okay. Where?"  
"Come."  
He took Phil's hand and led him to a bathhouse, and pulled down a washcloth, strangely knowing where everything was, and helped Phil out of his clothes.  
After they finished washing all of the blood off Phil, and finding him some clothes, (A pikachu shirt and skinny jeans) Dan led him to a bright colored house, and led him to a bright colored bed, and lay him down, and sleep next to him. Phil slept surprisingly soundly, passing out almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Phil woke up, to see a smiling Dan looking down at him.  
_It wasn't a dream. It wasn't a dream.  
_"You're awake. Officially."  
Phil hugged Dan.  
"Whattya mean officially?" He yawned, Dan giggled a bit.  
"Look in the mirror, stupid."  
Phil slowly got out of bed and looked into the mirror.  
He looked as though he had jumped straight out of 2009.  
"Wh-what happened?! I look like I'm twenty again!" Dan giggled.  
They both had angel wings.  
"I have freaking wings! Dan! Dan?"  
Dan cupped Phil's cheek and kissed him. Phil was significantly shorter than Phil, now that he was a 2009 version.  
"You change into the body you had when you were happiest." He whispered into Phil's ear.  
"I was happiest back then? B-but why were you happy in... 2012? Is it?"  
He grinned.  
"Back in 2009, I was still depressed. And I met you, and three years later, was my high note. I guess 2009 was yours."  
"When I met you... But I wasn't less happy throughout the years, I was fine!"  
"Well, sometimes it picks where the happiness started."  
Phil stared at Dan a minute. Dan, with the angel wings. Dan, from 2012. Dan, who he had seen lying dead in his own bedroom, in a pool of his own blood.  
Dan  
"Where are we?"  
"Heaven."  
"I'm being serious."  
"And I am too. Phil, this is it. The end game, the afterlife."  
"Why isn't anyone else here."  
"Because I guess my heaven is you. And I had to wait a while, mate. Five years until you got here. It was lonely."  
"...so I get to stay here for the rest of eternity with you?"  
"Y-yeah. I-is that okay? I don't know if you can change it, I-"  
Phil hugged Dan around the neck.  
"It's perfect. I love you."  
Dan grinned again.  
"I love you too."  
"You know how good it is to see you? Better yet, to see you happy again?"

"I hope it's pretty amazing, Phil."  
"It is Dan, better than anything."

**IM CRAFTING OK the fic IS over EVERYONE go homE  
JK but it is over and I hope you enjoyed ILY goodnight  
PS might write some death note  
thanks for reading!-Tootsie**


End file.
